Well the 4th has come and gone. As I reflect on holidays I believe we can use holiday décor and the like, to determine what kind, if any holiday spirit you have. For example, the lights on your house during Christmas tell others about your “Christmas spirit.” The size and amount of candy you hand out tells your neighbors and each trick ‘r treater your Halloween spirit. (Those people who just gave out one packet bottle caps had crappy spirit!) The fourth of July is no different. The fireworks you light-off each year illustrate to those around you about what kind of Independence Day spirit you have. I believe there are five different type of firework technicians; read’em and try to identify which person you are.
The Patio Man-(Money spent annually on fireworks $Zero). This moralist thinks there is more to the 4th than getting wasted and lighting off fireworks. “Buying fireworks is just like burning money.” On the evening of the 4th this man sits on his own patio, for the first 3 hours of the night he stands out side with his garden hose waiting for neighbors to light his yard on fire. Then watches the city firework show, and reads that one thingy they wrote, The Declaration of Independent Living.
Sparky-($0-10). This former hippy believes there is one and only one firework out there; The Sparkler, everything else is just nonsense. He goes to the firework stand and drops a Hamilton on dozens of sparklers; every now and then he gets crazy and buys a few jumping jacks. He forces his family and friends to enjoy what he calls “sparkler magic.” His motto is, “It’s safe, it’s fun, you can dance with’em and you can spell your name in the air with’em.”
The Family Man-($15-30). This guy wants to be a hip dad, so he’ll buy the Blast Pack for the kids, a nice conservative firework show. He likes, Bee’s, little tanks, worms and the your firework stand seller would call, “the weak stuff.” His main concern is not buying anything that will burn down the field adjacent to their home or take off Little Timmy’s arm. “If I can make it through another 4th of July without a hospital run then I will chalk it up as a success.”
Fire cracker-($50-90). This crazy kid will travel miles and miles to any Indian Reservation to buy the illegal stuff. “I don’t give a hoot about things that dance, fly around, or sparkle; I want to blow stuff up.” This dude with his buddies goes out to the woods with M-80’s, M-60’s, Roman Candles, and Black Cats; spends his evening finding things to blow up. This nut job has no idea why Americas even celebrate the 4th of July and could really care less.
Uncle Larry-($ Whatever to out blast the city’s show). This Pyro wakes up Christmas morning and the first thought that comes to his mind is, only 192 days till the 4th of July. He knows his stuff, blindfolded this guy can identity 90% of the fireworks out on the market; He doesn’t buy fireworks at the local stand, he shops on-line, buys them wholesale, and bids until his heart is content on EBay. “Every year I invite my entire family over to our house, I put on firework display that puts shame into the city’s show. In my mind I am undefeated.”
The Patio Man-(Money spent annually on fireworks $Zero). This moralist thinks there is more to the 4th than getting wasted and lighting off fireworks. “Buying fireworks is just like burning money.” On the evening of the 4th this man sits on his own patio, for the first 3 hours of the night he stands out side with his garden hose waiting for neighbors to light his yard on fire. Then watches the city firework show, and reads that one thingy they wrote, The Declaration of Independent Living.
Sparky-($0-10). This former hippy believes there is one and only one firework out there; The Sparkler, everything else is just nonsense. He goes to the firework stand and drops a Hamilton on dozens of sparklers; every now and then he gets crazy and buys a few jumping jacks. He forces his family and friends to enjoy what he calls “sparkler magic.” His motto is, “It’s safe, it’s fun, you can dance with’em and you can spell your name in the air with’em.”
The Family Man-($15-30). This guy wants to be a hip dad, so he’ll buy the Blast Pack for the kids, a nice conservative firework show. He likes, Bee’s, little tanks, worms and the your firework stand seller would call, “the weak stuff.” His main concern is not buying anything that will burn down the field adjacent to their home or take off Little Timmy’s arm. “If I can make it through another 4th of July without a hospital run then I will chalk it up as a success.”
Fire cracker-($50-90). This crazy kid will travel miles and miles to any Indian Reservation to buy the illegal stuff. “I don’t give a hoot about things that dance, fly around, or sparkle; I want to blow stuff up.” This dude with his buddies goes out to the woods with M-80’s, M-60’s, Roman Candles, and Black Cats; spends his evening finding things to blow up. This nut job has no idea why Americas even celebrate the 4th of July and could really care less.
Uncle Larry-($ Whatever to out blast the city’s show). This Pyro wakes up Christmas morning and the first thought that comes to his mind is, only 192 days till the 4th of July. He knows his stuff, blindfolded this guy can identity 90% of the fireworks out on the market; He doesn’t buy fireworks at the local stand, he shops on-line, buys them wholesale, and bids until his heart is content on EBay. “Every year I invite my entire family over to our house, I put on firework display that puts shame into the city’s show. In my mind I am undefeated.”
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8 Hey Oh's:
Oh, there are plenty of Uncle Larry's in ML. If you go to the stake center to watch the city fireworks and look out over the city it looks like frickin' Baghdad.
Myself: family man. I'll throw the little tots a bone and let them spark up a few bloom flowers. And for the finale - an army of tanks accompanied by the sweet sound of a piccolo pete.
I think Im somewhere between the patio man and sparky.
In truth, I usually end up drilling a hole in the bloom flowers and watch them launch all over the place....
Is there a section for a person who just likes to burn some gasoline? That's all I like to do. Pour some gas on the ground and light it on fire.
Seriously our town has a bunch of Uncle Larry’s we have one down the street from my parents house.
Ah Tyson Your pretty much a firecracker.
i'm definitely a patio man.
Uncle Larry in progress. Even with James Brown singing the Rocky IV apoll/drago song. First thing I did was grab some fancy sparklers, lighted one and handed it to Asher (16 mos.) and let him go to town. I never bought that kind before, after 6 seconds it did some crazy spark shots and caught his shorts on fire. God bless America!
Can I just say, that Tyson's comment is the absolute truth. He was a little scary growing up.
haha oh yes I remember one time Tyson and company may have lit a road on fire!
For the record, I wish I was a Firecracker but I am just a patio man.
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