Let Your Kids do Drugs before Home Schooling

Hello kids, today I (Mitchell Mark) am filing my first complaint…and it goes to those parents who let their precious children be home schooled. First let’s go back in time, to the days when Doogie Howser M.D. would teach us an important lesson about life at the end of each show, while writing in his journal. You remember he used his high tech blue screen with white letters. Not only was he the smartest 16 year old in the world but he could solve any problem within the 30 minute time slot. As a 10 year old, I would watch the show and think to myself, “wow he aced the SAT’s I wish I was like this guy.” He was so lucky, the prefect life, the hot girly friend, and a fancy computer. But not everything was so wonderful for our friend Dr. Howser, he had to deal with complex issues he was never able to just be a kid. Because he never went to school he had one friend…therefore his best friend Vinny, this kid was a nut job…it seemed that every week Doogie was doing something to get Vinny out of trouble. No kid should have to live the Doogie Howser lifestyle.

I think Doogie is proof to all why home schooling and fancy private schools aren’t the way to go unless you want your kid to be a social retard. Growing up, I played little league baseball a few years with a kid who was home schooled. I was his only friend on the team it was almost like he was a fish out of water. He knew nobody on the team or any of the players in the whole league except me. Can you imagine life without, recess, big toys, lunch ladies, getting those sweet little valentine cards on valentines day, and all the cherished memories that occurred while in the public schools. Now I am not here to sugar coat and state that public schools are like a trip through Candyland, many of those not so fun times teach kids to deal with adversity. It is essential to reach normalcy, at times you have to learn to stand up for yourself and also learn to deal with people you don’t like. (I am fired up) These spoiled pampered kids come out of home school and think the world is a place that everyone gets a trophy. There needs to be more requirements before these “Home Schoolers” graduate with their pansy Home School diplomas. I have come up with Five requirements, these are things that Home Schoolers must do before graduation day:
Number 1
A student must get in a fight! That’s right, just a good-ole 30 second fists to cuffs. Just like the one that each public schooler kid experiences at recess. Other kids must be around to cheer you on. After this altercation each student must go to a principles office and pretend to be sorry about the incident.
Number 2
A student has to eat lunch room food. That’s right, soggy peas, stale corn dogs and drink from the little milk carton. They have to appreciate how weird the outside of the milk carton tastes. Then a home schooler must go in the dish room and join the clean up crew, slap on a plastic apron and a silly hat and clean the plates.
Number 3
A student must move to the King Square in a classic game of Four Square. Opponents must be equivalent to the skill of an average 6th grader; they must move up to the King Square and hold it. Also, did I mention no catchies and corners are allowed. This isn’t Girl Scout Four Square.
Number 4
A student must also wait at the bus stop with the neighborhood hooligans, and then must ride a school bus for a month. For the first two weeks they must sit in the front of the bus so the “cool” kids in the back of the bus can throw projectiles such as spit wads at them, and also be made fun of. The last two weeks they must ride on the back of the bus enjoying the opportunity to throw things at those at the front. It is also essential for the student to earn at least one bus ticket while riding.
Number 5
Finally a student must graduate from D.A.R.E. This is preposterous to think that these Home Schoolers are skipping out on this ever important program. How are we ever going to win the war on drugs with these draft dodgers. Many wonder why we have such a problem with drugs on our streets now. It’s these kids that are slipping through the cracks.

That is a strong start, there are many important points that could be added later but these are Five basic things to be done right now. I honestly feel sorry for these kids. Some of my most cherished memories are from the good ole public schools. It’s where I met my best friends, learned life’s lessons, and I got into a lot of trouble too. Through out my tenure, I got kicked of a school bus, set the record at garden heights for most blue slips. The recess ladies found out I was trying to collect them and then they stopped giving them to me. Yes it was safe to say that the playground aids, principal and myself were all on a first name bases. We no longer deprive US citizens out of these important learning events.